Happy Birthday to Me!

Today, I celebrated the beginning of my 39th year...The anniversary of my birth. I've always loved my birthday. This year I feel both happy and sad. Happy for all of the good things ahead...and sad because I'm mourning (or re-mourning) a number of losses. Even though I have some birthday blues, I don't get down on getting older...I'm aging very gracefully, thank you.

I sobbed at my shrink today. I saw my ex-lover, Jason, last night for a drink or 3 or 4. He and I have a very hurtful past...the details of which I'm not sure I'm ready to share...and this was the first time we were getting together socially in some time. It was really wonderful to see him and catch up on life and stuff. But, Jason and I are on a very slippery slope. We have this primal, animal attraction to one another, but if we fuck, neither of us feels good about it the next day. I had much to drink and know when I am that drunk I have a tendency to make very strong advances and have trouble taking no for an answer. Well, last night, he turned me down. Now, in my heart, I know that is the best thing for both of us, but man, I wanted to fuck him so badly. Mmmm...he just has that affect on me. Primal...you know? Now there's a chunk of time that I'm having trouble remembering. But I suspect I deemed his rejection unacceptable and got "petulant" (as he had once described me in another episode). He sent me an email saying that he's sorry the night ended the way it did. Either I pulled my drunken shtick and pissed him off or he's sorry because he didn't go home with me. Although I like to think it was the latter, I know quite well it was the former. He did, however, equally acknowledge how nice it was to get together.

I have had a very tough time getting over Jason and I am grateful that he didn't give in to me last night. You see, I love him. I fell in love with him knowing full well that he was and still is unavailable in many ways. These things can't always be controlled no matter how hard we try. I think I cried my last tear and now finally accept that he and I will never be. And maybe now we can really be friends. I will always love him, though.

Thing is, I have a long history of falling for unavailable men. I suppose I have some commitment issues...there, I said it. And this all has to do with my parents' relationship with one another and my relationship with my dad. The shrink and I delved very deeply into this and I told her about a recurring dream I've had recently where my mother leaves my father for another man (which anyone that knows my family knows that would never ever never never ever happen). The session became very "mourning becomes electra" as we discussed the possibility that my mother in my dream was actually me. Hmmm...this must be the source my daddy/little girl fetish. My head was spinning from these ideas...and I also had a horrible hangover from the night before. I cried and cried. This all subsequently reminded me that I am still alone and often lonely. I have so much good in my life and am very blessed...but I long for a partner with whom I can share it all. My love for and deep connection with Jason made me hold on to the hope that he might be that partner.

So I guess you can see why I was a bit sad. But my new year is starting off with a few cut cords....which is a good thing. And nursing school starts in the fall. I registered yesterday...online! Gone are the days of standing in line and running around from department to department. Much to be happy about.

Tomorrow "Sir" will pay me a visit. He said he's feeling very dom so I guess I'll get my birthday spanks. I told him to bring something new.

Don't touch that dial.

- Hot Lips