Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself

I was so excited to write my initial post...and the next one, and the one after that, oh, and I can't forget the 2 that are in progress...that I never properly introduced myself. Veteran bloggers, Chelsea Girl, Viviane, and Jefferson, as well as my buddy, Charlie Bucket were kind enough to provide links to me (thanks guys!), and I suspect I'll get a bunch of hits, so I thought it was a good time to tell you a little about me.

I'm not really sure where to begin. The past year has been a bit of a whirlwind...I decided to change careers and return to school to become a nurse and after years of suppressing my inner-slut, I am finally embracing and expressing that person on my own terms and not those imposed on us by our parents, our friends and by society at large. I now listen to my inner voice rather than pressing the psychic mute button.

I have always been a very sexual person. For as long as I can remember I have been a flirt and exuded sex appeal. It's interesting, because I never really dressed provocatively...my style has always been conservative rocker...yet, I seem to radiate sex...proof that sex appeal comes from within.

When I played Barbies with my friends, while they were dressing the dolls with the latest in plastic and cardboard wrapped clothing, I was disrobing them and making them hump each other. In fact, there was once a huge cat-fight between Barbie and Sindy over Ken. I think they ended up sharing ;).

I remember my first orgasm when I was around 12 or 13 years old. I was up in the Catskill Mountains (my family spent summers at a resort hotel...just like dirty dancing), having an awful summer...I had very mean friends (if you can even call them friends) and I was sensitive and an easy target for teasing. So, I spent a lot of time alone, babysitting and reading. I made a ton of cash that summer. That's the summer I discovered Judy Blume's sexual coming-of-age story, "Forever." Any dudes out there name their penis'? I don't remember exactly what chapter I was reading but I was in bed and felt all the energy in my body channel to my pussy. I remember turning on my side with my hand between my thighs rocking back and forth. I remember feeling the walls of my vagina begin to flutter. As good as it felt, it scared the shit out of me...and although I was alone, I sat on the floor in the corner of the hotel room as if hiding from the world.

Not long after that, I took up baby-sitting during the school year...and our neighbors had Wometco Home Theater (WHT) - now who out there remembers that? WHT showed porn and I couldn't wait for the kids to go to sleep so I could check out who Samantha Fox was fucking. I vividly remember being very intrigued by the cum shots. I sat right on top of the television so I could change the channel if I heard the key in the door. What remote control???

I lost my virginity at 17. I had a lot of sex through my college days (I got my name on a fraternity paddle) and for a short while after I graduated. Frankly, much of that sex wasn't very memorable. Like many girls, I had some self-esteem issues and sought love through sex....a story I'm sure you have heard before. What was so difficult and, I think, what led to the ultimate suppression of my true sexual being, was that I didn't have great luck in the relationship department and I wasn't finding that elusive love. I was also surrounded by very judgmental people who would denigrate me. They called me a slut...which I now know doesn't have to be a bad thing...but in context, because I wasn't lucky in love, I felt even worse about myself.

I finally found what I thought was love and proceeded to get engaged, but that didn't work out. After a few additional promiscuous years, I went in the other direction – I hardly took a vow of celibacy, but I didn’t want to have sex just for the sake of having sex, because that kind of sex simply wasn't pleasurable for me and I feared that would impede my search for true love. Needless to say, I became quite adept at pleasuring myself. During this period, for sex with another person to be fulfilling for me, there had to be a cerebral connection in addition to the physical connection –- but my fatal flaw was when I found that powerful combination, I’d almost immediately fall in love – which also doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but typically these partners weren't available, had other issues, and/or didn’t feel the same about me and I’d get my heart crushed.

I guess the long and short of this is that, for years, I believed (or was conditioned) that sex and love were fused and the former couldn't be pleasurable without the latter. "Why can't you have sex like a gay man?" my gay friend "B" would ask.

This was true until very recently. My last relationship was plagued with the problem as outlined above (among other things, the details of which I'll spare you)...but he was/is an incredible lover and I finally enjoyed sex for the first time in a long time. This man helped me to recognize the sex goddess that was buried within me for so long.

I admit, I had a very, very difficult time letting go and I think that was because I, once again, fused this sexual identity with my love for this man. But after a ton of introspection, I realized that I don't need that person to bring this out of me. This is me...it's a real and primal part of me and all I needed was the courage and confidence to express it.

I now feel free to express this part of myself and am no longer afraid of my desires.

I'm actually more me than I've ever been...I feel whole.

I am not so worried about finding love anymore. I am blessed with a ton of love in my life and have room for much more. I don't know, but this might be me questioning monogamy as a given. I recently picked up the "Ethical Slut" and after the first few pages I couldn't believe how I connected with the words on the page. I'm sure I'll have more thoughts on this as I delve through the book.

I would love to find a life partner, but now, I can't say in what form that will take. So, I'm not going to worry so much about that and live my life...that means going back to school, singing (yes, I sing in a band), cycling, fucking and experiencing new things. Life is too short not to do things that bring you joy and pleasure.

This is me and welcome to my blog. Join me on my adventures...some will be reflections on the past, some will be current events, and some will just take place in my mind. In whatever form these stories take, they will be a reflection of me and I look forward to sharing with you.